I'm useless, but not for long. The future is coming on..

I've long described my problem as "crippling ambition". I so badly want to do everything that I end up unable to do anything. Unable to make small, specific goals, I make lofty, unachievable goals that I can't meet. I want to do this and this and this and this and that. Then I think and freak out about all of them and how could I possibly do it. And then I don't.

Every semester I run into problems planning for the next semester. My long term vision is fairly blind and I have huge problems trying to make plans in advance. And juggling my own class schedule along with several work schedules dependent on other peoples' schedules, well that confusing sentence is indicitive of the actual confusion.

I need constant change and commotion. Even if I am able to create a realistic schedule, and realistic to me is generally pretty ridiculous, I can only handle it for about six months. Then I get anxious and uneasy, ready to move on.

Since I am graduating in May, the "what are you doing next" question comes up almost daily. The real answer is: I don't know. And I'm fine with that, but that is usually not what people want to hear. If I give that response, the reply is always supportive and in the vein of "youre young! you certainly don't need to make a decision yet!" But I don't think most people really believe that. So instead, I pretty much give a different answer to everyone who asks. Try out the sound of different post-graduation lives. Of course, given my scheduling difficulties, even if i could decide on a plan, it going as planned is doubtful.

I do know that I have done a good job for the past twenty-one years of following "the plan". Schooling and working as a good American youth should. But now, I can do anything. And that is incredibly liberating and terrifying.

Of course right now I should be studying. But pontificating about my future is much more interesting than dealing with my right now. Yet another reason I get nothing done, ever. Crippling Ambition.